Understanding the Askhole: When Advice Falls on Deaf Ears

The term "askhole" is a humorous yet telling label for a specific type of person: someone who regularly seeks your advice only to completely disregard it. Most people have encountered at least one askhole in their lives, whether it’s a friend, family member, or colleague. While it might seem harmless at first, dealing with such individuals can quickly become frustrating and exhausting. Understanding their behavior and learning how to handle it can help preserve your sanity and your relationships.

An askhole is not someone who occasionally ignores advice; they make a habit of it. They come to you with their dilemmas, presenting themselves as genuinely interested in your perspective. You might spend considerable time and energy giving them thoughtful, well-meaning advice, only to find that they either dismiss it outright or choose a course of action that is entirely contrary to what you suggested. Over time, this pattern can feel like a waste of effort and leave you questioning why they bother seeking your input at all.

So, why do askholes behave this way? Often, their behavior stems from a mix of personality traits and emotional factors. Some askholes may simply crave attention. By asking for advice, they create a scenario where they are the center of focus, enjoying the validation of being heard without any real intention of following through. For others, it might be a form of indecisiveness. They struggle to make their own decisions and ask for advice as a way to explore possibilities, even if they lack the courage or commitment to act on those suggestions. In some cases, an askhole’s behavior can even be rooted in insecurity or stubbornness. They seek advice but are unwilling to admit that someone else might have a better perspective than their own.

The consequences of dealing with an askhole can be draining, especially for those who genuinely care about offering help. Each interaction can leave you feeling dismissed, undervalued, or even manipulated. You may begin to second-guess whether you should bother offering your insights in the future. For relationships where advice-seeking becomes a repeated pattern, the dynamic can erode trust and mutual respect. If you are someone who naturally enjoys helping others, encountering an askhole can also make you reluctant to extend your support to others who might genuinely benefit from your advice.

To address this issue, it’s essential to manage your interactions with askholes in a way that protects your time and energy. One effective approach is setting boundaries. If you recognize that someone frequently ignores your advice, you can politely decline to offer input. For example, you might say, “I think you’ll figure this out on your own,” or “I trust you’ll make the best decision for yourself.” This shifts the responsibility back onto the askhole, encouraging them to take ownership of their choices.

Another strategy is to make your advice conditional. Instead of offering a detailed solution, you can ask them to do some preliminary work first. For instance, you might say, “Before I give you my opinion, why don’t you research the options and tell me what you’ve found?” This puts the ball in their court and reduces the likelihood of your effort being wasted. It also discourages casual advice-seeking by requiring them to invest their own time and energy.

It’s also important to recognize when to step back entirely. If someone repeatedly disregards your input and the dynamic becomes toxic or stressful, it’s okay to disengage. Not every relationship benefits from being a constant source of advice. In such cases, focusing on your own well-being and prioritizing relationships that are more reciprocal can be a healthier choice.

While askholes can be frustrating, it’s worth noting that their behavior isn’t always intentional. Some people may genuinely not realize the impact of their actions or how their habit of ignoring advice affects others. In these cases, a gentle conversation about the pattern you’ve noticed might help them understand and change their behavior. Expressing how you feel in a calm, constructive way—such as saying, “I’ve noticed you often ask for my advice but seem to choose a different path. Is there a reason for that?”—can open the door to better communication.

Dealing with an askhole doesn’t mean cutting them out of your life entirely, but it does require a balance of empathy and self-preservation. By setting boundaries, managing your responses, and recognizing the motivations behind their actions, you can protect your energy while maintaining healthier relationships. Ultimately, it’s about choosing where and how you invest your time and ensuring that your efforts are appreciated and valued.